Lacking Relevance

It's been almost two years since I've written anything for this. It's been almost two years since I've felt empty enough to want to put my thoughts down and reflect on emotions that require meditation. It's been almost two years since I haven't had her. And this time, just like last time, I am the architect of my own destruction.

Suck it up, bitch.

But this time... this time I wanted to do it. I wanted that feeling of loneliness. I wanted that feeling of vacuous space in my chest - the nothingness that creates a singularity in one's soul - forcing any other activity, which seemed less important at the time, to be drawn to the forefront of one's consciousness.

When we were together, I was the happiest anyone could be. No matter how old we got, no matter how much we'd grown as people, as intellectuals, as emotional ninjas with knives at each other's throats...

None of that mattered. 

Because when I was with her, I felt like a 16 year old kid staring at her from across the room in Spanish class. Nothing else mattered except the way she smiled at me, with the whole world twinkling in her eyes. School work wasn't important as long as her lips could make me fly. Time stood still, yet simultaneously trickled away like too much water in too small of hands. I could stare at her for hours and still find something new to obsess over. In those moments, I swear we did not exist in this world, yet we were infinite in our own world.

What else could you want?

What else could matter? I will try to figure this out in future posts, because now that I'm alone, there's nothing better to do. Now that I'm alone, the only thing to work on is myself. 

Redefining oneself in the context of seeing the dream, wanting to achieve it, and knowing how far you have to go, is a daunting task. It seemed so much easier to stare into those eyes and fly on the wings of her love - because it was. That's probably why it lasted so long. 

I've heard them say a big part of "being a man" is being able to face those tough decisions and make a definitive choice. But when everything you knew was thrown out because of that tough decision, what is left is not a man - just the outline of what he could be. My soul was once colored with the adoration of the girl I love...

But now it's just empty - a vacuous singularity. Time to discover what other colors I can be. 

The outline must be refilled.

PS: And for the love of god, I hope a future employer doesn't read this and think I'm a whiny little bitch.