The Empire Strikes

You blocked me on facebook. 

Cold-blooded. 

Not really - it was expected.

Still upset about it, though. 

So take a look at me

And you dropped the note and we changed key

You changed yourself and i changed me
I really didn't see us singing through this
Then you screamed the bridge
And i cried the verse
And our chorus came out unrehearsed
And you smiled the whole way through it
I guess maybe that's what's worse

See what you want to see.

Lacking Relevance

It's been almost two years since I've written anything for this. It's been almost two years since I've felt empty enough to want to put my thoughts down and reflect on emotions that require meditation. It's been almost two years since I haven't had her. And this time, just like last time, I am the architect of my own destruction.

Suck it up, bitch.

But this time... this time I wanted to do it. I wanted that feeling of loneliness. I wanted that feeling of vacuous space in my chest - the nothingness that creates a singularity in one's soul - forcing any other activity, which seemed less important at the time, to be drawn to the forefront of one's consciousness.

When we were together, I was the happiest anyone could be. No matter how old we got, no matter how much we'd grown as people, as intellectuals, as emotional ninjas with knives at each other's throats...

None of that mattered. 

Because when I was with her, I felt like a 16 year old kid staring at her from across the room in Spanish class. Nothing else mattered except the way she smiled at me, with the whole world twinkling in her eyes. School work wasn't important as long as her lips could make me fly. Time stood still, yet simultaneously trickled away like too much water in too small of hands. I could stare at her for hours and still find something new to obsess over. In those moments, I swear we did not exist in this world, yet we were infinite in our own world.

What else could you want?

What else could matter? I will try to figure this out in future posts, because now that I'm alone, there's nothing better to do. Now that I'm alone, the only thing to work on is myself. 

Redefining oneself in the context of seeing the dream, wanting to achieve it, and knowing how far you have to go, is a daunting task. It seemed so much easier to stare into those eyes and fly on the wings of her love - because it was. That's probably why it lasted so long. 

I've heard them say a big part of "being a man" is being able to face those tough decisions and make a definitive choice. But when everything you knew was thrown out because of that tough decision, what is left is not a man - just the outline of what he could be. My soul was once colored with the adoration of the girl I love...

But now it's just empty - a vacuous singularity. Time to discover what other colors I can be. 

The outline must be refilled.

PS: And for the love of god, I hope a future employer doesn't read this and think I'm a whiny little bitch.

Crash

We're all so absorbed in our own things, so focused on our own lives. We don't let anybody get close. We don't let anybody touch us. Sometimes, people have to crash into each other, just so we can feel anything anymore. Just because we miss that touch.

Truth. An ugly truth, but it happens.

Goodnight.

Good Morning.

You're in love. You think about her. You're happy. She smells great. She looks better. Her voice would make angels jealous. Hell, she's even smart. What a fucking awesome girl! And the best part: she's yours.

is she?

You're in love. You think about her. You check your phone looking for something from her, some insignificant token of her care: a text message perhaps, a missed call (even better), maybe even a facebook poke, just to let you know she cares, just to let you know she thought about you. Nothing is there. No notifications. You text her "Hey baby <3"

hours pass. no response...

You're in love. You think about her again. You check your phone. Nothing. What's going on? She must be busy. She'll respond soon. You long for her attention because it makes you whole. When she talks to you, some magical gust of wind lifts you into the atmosphere. You text her again "Hey baby, what's up?"

still nothing.

You're annoyed. Why isn't she talking to me? You miss her. You wonder what she's doing 3000 miles away. Is the feeling not mutual? Doesn't she miss you, too? Of course she does, she's just busy. She'll call me tonight before she goes to sleep.

doesn't happen.

You call her. You want to tell her how much you love her. Listening to the rings, you anticipate her voice. RIIIIIIINNNGGGGGGG.......RIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGG......RIIIINNNNNNNGGGGG.....YOU HAVE BEEN DIRECTED TO THE VOICEMAIL BOX OF...

Goodnight.

ahh.... what a pleasant surprise

She said one time that she would rather pleasantly surprise me by saying maybe as opposed to disappoint me by saying yes and not showing up.

That's fucked up. Thoughts?

Hello, old friend.

Haven't been on the blog for awhile, but recent demand has called for one of Charles' fascinating observations about the world. What shall we talk about.... hmm...

Spring Break!

the experience was (sudden revelation) surprisingly analogous to what i entitled this post. Saw some old friends i don't get to see very often. Twas fun, but one in particular has my head spinning and my stomach in a whirl.

Shit! i told myself i wouldn't post gay shit about my ex-relationship on here anymore.... fuck it. My itunes is on shuffle and apparently the only songs it thinks i should listen to are songs she put on cds she gave me. Sneaky bitch, she infiltrated the shit out of my music collection.

AAAAAANYway... it was glorious, heart wrenching, confusing, happy, sexual, upsetting, depressing, sexual, boring (she had school), yet fun. And more sexual (hehehe) Turns out tingly feelings don't die, they just fucking hibernate. Goddamn it makes leaving so......

actually nevermind. Queen came on. "dum dum dum dododdodo dum dum Another one bites the dust"

Goodnight. That was for you, Katie/Matt. You two are tooooooooo adorable disgusting ♥

"Quit taking yourself so seriously"

oops, wrote this awhile ago, never posted it though. perhaps it's still applicable....

That command is thrown around a lot. Often towards people you don't agree with, typically because you don't like them.
"_____ takes himself too seriously."
"Why does _____ think anybody should care what she thinks?"
I myself have said something along these lines.
I especially have been told to stop taking myself so seriously.

My point of contention (not that anyone should care, because really, why should anyone take this seriously): somebody had to take this kid seriously if he believed others would, as well. Somebody or some group of somebodies, at some point, made this person feel like his/her opinions mattered. Somebody treasured what he had to say. Somebody love(s/d) him.

So the next time you think to yourself, "man, that dude needs to shut the fuck up. no one gives a shit about what he has to say," just remember that somebody does...

Doesn't mean you have to deal with his bullshit, though.

STOP READING NOW

Naive

I'm sick of little "of age" girls with the mentality of seventh graders.
Seriously? Gossip. Who likes who. Set me up with someone. You should do this. You should do that.

What makes you think I'm going to take the advice of a virgin seriously? A virgin who's never been in love, barely had a real "grown-up" relationship. Really? Absolutely ludicrous. Then, they have the nerve to judge me and my baggage.

Grow up people. Get your emotions toyed with a little. Logic is a sanctuary not enjoyed by humans. It's easy to talk shit when you don't know shit.

A Game

the weekend is over. my suicide mission complete.

i'm not dead yet

but at the same time,

mission status: incomplete

so now what? where's my next move? it's tough to make that decision right now. i can't see the whole board. even if i could, people aren't chess pieces. they don't make predictable, rational moves. emotions fuck everything up.

i pride myself on my ability to open and my epic talent with end games, but i'm stuck in the middle game right now. who knows where this will go. i just have to let the game develop. there are two players here, each with their own mechanisms and desires

problem is: this isn't a game. people get hurt. people have gotten hurt. i'm pretty sure there will be more pain in the future, but all you need is that one day to make you feel more alive than you ever thought you could be to reassure you. i need some more of those days

Heroine

She is my heroine.
She gives me highs,
And subsequent lows.
She's addictive.
She's bad for me.

She costs a lot of money to keep up.
She consumes a lot of my time.
She runs through my veins,
Because I inject her daily.
When she isn't there,
I'm miserable.
She is my savior.

She'll be the death of me,
But right now,
All I want to do is be with her.
She is my drug.
She is my love.

Bumpin uglies

that is such a disgusting, yet humorous, way to describe the beautiful act of love making. it does however, hold some merit.

many members of either sex will agree that genitalia, be it male or female, isn't necessarily the most attractive part of human anatomy.

"balls are saggy and gross"
"vaginas look like monsters"
blah blah blah...

but there are some that enjoy the sight of a fresh, hard dick, or a nice, juicy vagina. perhaps this enjoyment stems merely from the physical pleasure that generally follows an encounter with such a sighting. this blogger cannot fathom the optical joy of such things.

GROSS!

ITSTHEDELTWAY

the classy way

Catallus 16

Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo,
Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi,
qui me ex versiculis meis putastis,
quod sunt molliculi, parum pudicum.
Nam castum esse decet pium poetam
ipsum, versiculos nihil necesse est;
qui tum denique habent salem ac leporem,
si sunt molliculi ac parum pudici,
et quod pruriat incitare possunt,
non dico pueris, sed his pilosis
qui duros nequeunt movere lumbos.
Vos, quod milia multa basiorum
legistis, male me marem putatis?
Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo.

so very elegant... =D

836 days....(and counting?)

500 days of summer has officially breached my top 5 favorite movies of all time.

1. forrest gump
2. 300
3. The godfather, Part II
4. 500 days of summer
5. Avatar

i feel like this movie can be enjoyed (loved) by anyone that can acknowledge the opposite sex in a post-pubescent manner. i cite my own experience as proof. sue me if you don't agree

thus far, i've seen it twice:
1. with abriella. we were happy. beautiful relationship. still in love. i thought the movie was awesome
2. with chas (no homo). broken up with abriella. very depressed. relationship in tatters. i still thought the movie was awesome.

that's a pretty astounding feat to accomplish, as far as a movie's goals are concerned. two completely different men, versions 1) and 2), both loved the movie.

the first time around, an "in love" person identifies with the happy times because, well, he's happy. he can even sympathize for the unhappy times in a "shit, i hope that doesn't happen to us" kinda way. all the assurance he needs is a 90 degree turn to the left and the lips waiting for him there. "good, now that that's settled, let's watch the movie some more."

the second time around, a "completely miserable, distraught" person identifies with the sad times because, well, he just got dumped. he sees Tom's pain. recognizes it as his own. they share a solid 210 days of misery (i think) before the movie ends. He even identifies with the happy parts of the movie because he was there at one point, too. but all he thinks during those joyous times is "haha, enjoy it while it lasts. she's just gonna dump your ass and take a giant theoretical shit on your face. then you'll feel like me"

regardless: awesome movie